I read the quote below today. It is from J. R. Miller’s classic book, Home-Making, originally published in 1882:

What we want to do with our children, is not merely to control them and keep them in order—but to implant true principles deep in their hearts which shall rule their whole lives; to shape their character from within into Christ-like beauty, and to make of them noble men and women, strong for battle of life. They are to be trained rather than governed. Growth of character, not merely good behavior—is the object of all home governing and teaching. Therefore the home influence is far more important than the home laws; and the parents’ lives are of more significance than their teachings. Whatever may be done in the way of governing, teaching or training—theories are not half as important as the parents’ lives. They may teach the most beautiful things–but if the child does not see these things modeled in the life of the parent, he will not consider them important enough to be adopted in his own life.

I believe it is crucial that we embrace these principles, regardless of the time or season. However, in light of recent trends, it seems we need a more urgent reminder. I have mentioned the heartbreaking statistics tabulated by many denominations: 70 to 80% of Christian children leaving the church by the time they are 20. When children from Christian households leave the faith, we should always ask the question, “Why?”

Many parents, rightly concerned, have turned to home education and seen great improvement. Many have wisely sought family-integrated churches where the whole family can grow and worship together.

Though the casualties are considerably less in homeschooling families who learn and worship together, we still hear stories of “good homeschooling” children walking away from the faith. Only, too often, we are afraid to ask why because we are afraid of the answer.

I believe the root cause of this young adult exodus from even the covenantal branch of Christendom is found in the heart of the father, the man who does not live or teach the faith. Many men will put on the church “game face” on Sunday, yet live like the world the rest of the week. Yes – even homeschooling fathers. I have also observed dads who are more concerned with a child’s conformance to the “law of the house” rather than their spiritual transformation to the Lordship of Christ. Even in family-integrated churches.

The reality is this: the Christian faith is difficult to live and maintain—that is, when we try to do it on our own strength. The call of discipleship is one of denying one’s self, of taking up the Cross, of losing one’s life, of living in such a way that we do not deny the reality of our Lord (Mark 8:34-38). And, friends, fathers, we cannot do this alone, relying on our power.

The same is true of our children. Sure, we can get them all to line up in an orderly row. We can force them to sit quietly in church and not hit one another—at least most days. We can convince them that it is better to obey, because to disobey would mean facing the wrath of dad.

But, if we raise our families all wrapped up in having the right image, we may discover we’ve sacrificed relationships. We may wind up creating some sort of trophy children – children who look the part, who go through the motions, but children whose hearts aren’t there.

And what happens to trophy children when they turn 18? Will they follow the rules of the home? Or will they leave in the exodus observed in most evangelical denominations?

The real question should this - what are we doing to train their hearts? How are we teaching them that the true basis for their obedience should not be the fear of chastisement, but their love for Jesus?

As Miller so eloquently describes – we do this by modeling the reality of our relationship with Jesus before them. Our lives are to present the reality of the Gospel. Paul told us in Philippians 4:9: “The things which you learned and received and heard and saw in me, these do, and the God of peace will be with you.” We are to live in such a way that Jesus is received by our children not only in the things we teach, but in the things we say and do.

And this only occurs when we also know that the Father accepts us, not by what we have done but, by the One in which we have put our trust. Our ability to model Christ is found in our relationship with Him.

Jesus Himself said in John 14:15 “If you love Me, keep My commandments.” We could use this verse as a litmus test to see if our children love us. We might infer, “If they really love us, then they will do as we say.” But we also need to understand that even our ability to love Jesus comes from Him. And with that ability to love, comes the ability to obey. It is all about Him.

Friends—fathers, we must forsake the pharisaical desire for trophy children, children who obey so that we can look spiritually successful. We must, by God’s grace, seek to be spiritually successful – not so we can look good, but so that we can teach our children the way of wisdom – by being an example that authenticates our rule. And when they fail, and they will, we should show them that their sin can only be overcome by the power of the Cross. Use every failure—every sinful action, not as a time of discipline or anger, but a time of discipleship! These are God-ordained opportunities to share the richness of the grace of God in Christ.

If we not only teach Christ, but live Christ, we will not be concerned about having “trophy children;” we will see the promises of God manifested in the hearts of our children, for generations.

Lastly, if you are the parent of a child who has walked from the faith, take hope! The arm of the Lord is not too short to save. Even if we have failed, even if our children are walking contrary to the Word, He is the One who opens the heart. He is the Captain of our salvation. Consider where you may have failed in the past and repent. Remember that God has ordained your steps and knew your child would stray before he was even born. Pray that God would use your own repentant heart to bring your child to like repentance. Take it to the Lord in prayer, in faith, knowing that He can bring the prodigal child home—knowing that it is all for His glory!